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Potential Departure.

Please, I beg you, stay

With me, my love; if you must

Leave, take me with you.

 

There is no better

Place for you or for me than

Where we exist now.

 

Two bodies, but one

Soul. I am yours, and you are

Mine, and that is all.

 

Years have passed since our

Paths merged, since we began our

Journey side by side.

 

Years have passed since you

First held my hand – now I feel

Your fingers slipping . . .

 

Slipping through my own.

The palm of my hand grows cold,

Holds nothing but air.

 

I am suddenly

Frantic – you have disappeared.

I cannot find you.

 

I try to move, but

My legs do not budge. My eyes

Become my sole tool.

 

I crane my neck to

One side, then the other, as

Daylight starts to wane.

 

My chest tightens; I

Can barely breathe – my heart crawls

Up into my throat.

 

I try to call for

You; your name is lost in the

Icy, rushing wind.

 

Where are you? I wish

I knew. I wish for you to

Appear, to return.

 

Then, suddenly, as

If you have read my very

Own thoughts . . . there you are.

 

You have not gone too

Far ahead of me. Still, you

Stand just out of reach.

 

I long to hold you

Closely, tightly to me as

Our hearts beat as one.

 

But . . . something feels . . . strange.

You seem different, distant.

Far away from me.

 

You stand so still, your

Mouth a thin, hard line, as the

Mass forms overhead.

 

It looms above you,

Dark, foreboding, then slowly,

Slowly, it descends.

 

I watch helplessly

As you are cloaked, toe-to-head,

In a cloud of fog.

 

The fog envelopes

You, my love, and you begin

To fade. My heart aches.

 

I cry out, Please, do

Not leave! You hear me, I know,

For you stand so near.

 

So near to me. Why?

I ask. Why leave? Why leave me?

My only question.

 

I am bewildered,

Confused; my heart skips one beat . . .

And then another . . .

 

Why leave? I cannot

Catch my breath. I do not know

The answer myself.

 

No reply:  You stand

Silently, staring straight through

Me with cold, gray eyes.

 

You say nothing as

I fall to my knees, as I

Beg for you to stay.

 

A tear falls, and my

Body trembles; I feel my-

Self breaking in two.

 

You are what keeps me

Whole, my love – the only one

Who even knows how.

 

Do not leave me here

Alone. It is dark and cold,

And I am afraid.

 

Without you near, I

Cannot breathe; without you near

Me, I cannot live.

 

I am yours, body

And soul. Without you near, I

Am completely lost.

 

I love you, have loved

You, will love you forever,

‘Til the end of time.

 

Please, I beg you, stay

With me, my love; if you must

Leave, take me with you.

 

There is no better

Place for you or for me than

Where we exist now.

 

Two bodies, but one

Soul. I am yours, and you are

Mine, and that is all.

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Featured · Post

It’s Been A While, Hasn’t It.

TW: Mental Illness (Bipolar Disorder/Mood Swings)

Relatively shaky today. I don’t know why. I have no reason whatsoever to be emotionally unstable. It’s ridiculous, to be honest. I feel so stupid for not being able to get ahold of myself. I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown, but not quite. Not just yet. I still manage to hold myself together, but I also could completely lose it at any moment. One little nudge could tip the scale and set me off.

It doesn’t happen every day, but when it does, my mind goes to a dark place. And it stays there a while. How long, you ask? I couldn’t tell you. But I’m suddenly worthless; I can’t seem to do anything right, I’m not good enough for one reason or another, so why bother trying to climb out of this hole I’ve dug myself into? The effort would be pointless.

Something inside of me suddenly materializes, latches around my stomach, and gives it a good, hard twist. I double over, nearly vomit, but manage to keep the bile from rising in my throat. My heart beats painfully underneath my collarbone, racing at a hundred miles an hour. Sometimes a sheen of sweat breaks out along my hairline. I can’t even seem to draw a simple, steady breath.

It hurts. It really, really hurts.

Mood swings suck.

I want to cry and scream and throw things all at the same time, yet I don’t want to waste the energy. So I climb into bed, curl up into a ball, and close my eyes, wrapping an arm around my ribs to physically hold myself together. Maybe that will help keep the internal storm at bay, send the raging black clouds somewhere else. I suppose it’s worth a shot, though I already know the sky will open up, and the rain will soak me through, regardless of my efforts.

It’s really hard just to write this. Writing usually helps when I’m feeling like crap – I move the pen and bleed onto the paper – but I can’t seem to shake the ugly inner critic today, the ugly inner critic whispering that I should quit now before I disappoint anyone. I’m sure it sounds vague to you, dear Reader. The voice doesn’t mention anything all that specific, but I get the idea. I know what the voice is talking about, as well as the people it’s alluding to without having to hear the people’s names aloud.

They’ll be disappointed in me because I’ll be a failure. I already am a failure, at least in my mind. I’m a fraud. I can’t support myself the way I should be able to at this stage in my life – emotionally or otherwise. I shouldn’t have to use my loved ones as a crutch; they shouldn’t have to drag me along behind them just so I’m able to keep up with them. I should be able to stand on my own two feet. I should be able to handle these things by myself. I should, I should, I should…

I should, yet I can’t. I’m a despicable excuse for a human being.

I mentioned this before, but I’ll say it again: I don’t know why I’m in such a mood. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I just need some chocolate. Or some ice cream. Or all of the above.

Regardless, I think I’m going to stop here. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. I’ll come back later with something more positive. Promise.

 

(Also, if you made it this far, if you read this entry from start to finish, thank you. I really do appreciate it.)